Cosmos: War Of the Planets

Cosmos: War of the Planets
Italy - 1982
Director- Al Bradley (AKA Alfonso Brescia)
Brentwood Home Video, 2003, Space Quest 20 movie DVD set

Effin’ eh, the first few seconds have got me worried, and sure enough it’s another crap-tastic Al Bradley Italian space turd.

Some people in a space station are wearing some silly costumes with these sweet molded felt helmets. One dude punches another in the face. They get in trouble with their bosses, and one dude goes on a spacewalk, the same spacewalk that was re-used and besmirched the first several cringe inducing minutes of War of the Robots. Hey all the actors are the same, hey all the sets are the same too! Everything is the same, except for one thing, a goddamned badass super computer called WIZ. WIZ knows everything. Everything! The WIZ also conveys orders from the space sytation commanders to the capitans of the spaceships. Ship MK-31, is on it’s way back to base Orion for a little well deserved rest and relaxation. Orion picks up some crazy alien signals that are “messing up the radio and video transmissions on Earth”. WIZ orders the ship to go and terminate the signals. Capitan Hamilton bluntly refuses, but then suddenly some alien craft appear and they exchange gunfire. MK-31 is hit and thrown into some kind of freefall through space. Finally in some remote sector they are able to stabilize their craft as they descend into the atmosphere of an alien planet. (I think I’m starting to lose track).

Despite the orders of Orion Base they land on the planet and exit into a conveniently breathable atmosphere. As they explore the rocky surface, suddenly one of their number is killed by the cheesiest robot costume ever, while another crew member disappears. The remaining crew members go looking for her, but instead find a subterranean race of atomic mutants (the same actors as the puffy eyes in Robots, only with silver body paint). The humans agree to assist the mutants who have been enslaved and menaced by the shitty robot, even allowing one of the mutants to don one of their unitards and join the crew. They figure out which weapons they need in order to defeat the robot and they head back to the ship to get them, but wait! There’s the robot, wait, they’re going after the robot! They end up in a big cave chamber place with a different giant blinking robot with lighted buttons in the form of a face. All they need to do to defeat this ultimate evil slot machine robot? Push the big red button! But the evil genius robot foils that plan too, and now it seems that only some bible verses will help the humans.Volcanos! Avalanches! Gothic organ music! Give it more power! The ship escapes the planet, but alas is overtaken and conquered by the most unabashedly canned soundtracks of all time along with a plethora of the most washed out, grainy and decrepit stock footage available.

Sexually suggestive remarks are made towards the mutant who joined the crew (the same ugly dude who did the same thing in Robots). No satisfaction, none whatsoever, but, you can see nipples through the suit in one scene. The epitome of 70’s hot for 70’s not. God bless Yanti Somer and Kentucky straight bourbon.