That Lucky Touch

That Lucky Touch

United Kingdon - 1975

Director - Christopher Miles

Video Treasures, 1987, VHS

Run Time - 1 hour, 33 minutes

Ninja Fantasy

Alas, my tape has no box and so, I borrowed this from the ether.

Ninja Fantasy

Hong Kong/Thailand - 198?

Director - Godfrey Ho

Trans World Entertainment, 1988, VHS

Run Time: 1 hour and thirty-five whole minutes

Here we have yet another hodgepodge honky-ninja misadventure from frankenfilm auteur Godfrey Ho. Ninja Fantasy is hands-down the best Weak-Chinned-Euro-Ninja-Drug-Kingpin-in-China film to ever be set in a Thai strip mine. Even though the overall plot, if you can say that the plot is really over “all” of the film, isn’t so clever that it requires serious effort at attention paying, it takes on a whole new energy in this particular patchwork context. So, an Euro-ninja in a brightly colored outfit is running a drug smuggling operation, and another Euro-ninja is the Drug Enforcement Agent sent to take him down; In Thailand the other half of the film would have us believe. Or maybe not. Thanks to local signage in several scenes, it was obviously Thailand, but I don’t remember anybody actually saying “Thailand.” It hardly matters where when you’re buying cheap foreign films in bulk for repurposing. It’s all going to be chopped to bits and dubbed over with some occidental-ninjas in a cheerful palate of identical outfits anyway.

However easily disparaged his work may be, one has to give Mr. Ho some credit for highly creative ninja antics on a half-shoestring-budget. Not since Robert Tai’s 1986 water-spider riding ninja masterpiece Ninja the Final Duel have ninjas performed so many chuckle-inducingly miraculous feats of mid-attack lunacy as we are blessed with in Ninja Fantasy. (And that was a whole film.) Of course, these are all too brief, and once the temporary surge of endorphins wears off the weary viewer, one is left speculating that lest he run out, Mr. Ho only allotted himself a single clever idea per film.

The longstanding rivalry between our two main characters comes to a head when the sidekick Agent is mercilessly kidnapped by the sidekick Smuggler ninjas. In the interim some conflict over mining-rights, inheritance and related profits comes to a head in the remaining scenes. The plodding, mind-numbing progress of the plot, and incomprehensible implied connection between the two constituent films notwithstanding, Ninja Fantasy is among Godfrey’s finest barely-watchable cinematic abortions. As much as one attempts to enjoy watching -and the joy is in the attempting, not the watching- these films would be far better served as a series of action packed ninja-shorts. Just leave out the “second unit” footage culled from abroad and reassemble the white guys into a half hour action-ninja-episode, say two or three to a volume. Should any poor bastard with the inclination to deconstruct these patchwork films read this poorly written essay, and decide to pursue just such an ill-advised business plan, get in touch- I’d be willing to invest.

 A full box from, you guessed it, Rare Kung Fu Movies.com

Return of Lunchmeat's Missing Title

Fists of Dragons/Ninja Terminator via Ninja Theater & Sho Kosugi

There is only one thing worse than a mutilated box. No box at all, but still.

Fists of Dragons (Hao xiao zi)
a.k.a. Little Rascals of Kung Fu
China - 1980
Director - Yeh Yung Chu
Trans World Entertainment, 1986, VHS
Run Time - 1 hour, 32 minutes

The uncut box claims that the film was directed by Yeh Yung Chu, and the opening credits on the tape confirm this. The actors listed at IMDB are exactly the same, but the director is listed as Wing-Cho Yip. Furthermore IMDB gives one of the alternate titles as Cunning Kids, which was confirmed by an image search that turned up the artwork below at Rare Kung Fu Movies under bothFists of Dragons and Cunning Kids. And in fact, after re watching the film, I can confirm that they are the same, except for the dubbing of course.

I picked up this film not because of Sho Kosugi, but because it was recomended at some point as a potential film for Kung Fu Grindhouse. As I recall it was not worthy, though it's been years since I watched it. The interesting thing to me now is of course the presence of Kosugi who merely presents the film. Really it's more of an introduction, and let me tell you, at bit of a sad one at that. The series name should give you some clue to the depths to which the video marketing industry had already sunk by 1986. Last time I checked, Ninja's didn't really have much to do with China, so why is this wu-shu movie under the title "Ninja Theater?" Because the American public were slaves to the very word ninja.
Kosugi himself offers only a brief demonstration of the use of the ninjitsu katana, noting that it is straight and shorter than the typical Japanese sword. Then he fights some guys for a minute or two before introducing the film as a "demonstration of some excellent Chinese Boxing."
There's something more than a little disheartening about lumping all of these distinct elements under the concept of martial arts.
Ninja, kung-fu, ehhhhhhhh, it's all oriental, right?

The Chinese VHS box art for Cunning Kids from Rare Kung Fu Movies

But there is more...
Over at The Scandy Factory, the Scandy Man has posted this nice image of the Ninja Theater version of Ninja Terminator. (right) His awesome post includes the intro sequence with Sho Kosugi's demo, a must watch to be sure, and some ephemera from the Sho Kosugi ninja fan club. This is one of my all time favorite movies of all fucking ever, comparable perhaps only to Challenge of the Tiger. Both of these are highly contingent on the fact that they star Richard "God Among Men" Harrison. Ninja Terminator was given a fantastic DVD release from Video Asia as part of the Silver Fox collection, and Challenge of the Tiger was double-featured by Mondo Macabro b-sided with For Your Height Only.

A Swedish VHS box insert courtesy Rolfens DVD.

German insert box courtesy Critical Condition.

From my own meager shelves.

Not to be confused with this Ninja Terminator, part of an Anchor Bay double VHS box from 1995. I haven't watched this specific film, but Ninja Wars, the A-film is a chopped version of "Black Magic Wars" (?) or Iga Ninpocho, a graphicaly violent but ultimately slooooow Japanese samurai gorror film. Aren't they all?

This started as a post about one movie and evolved into a morass of ninja insanity. Thanks for your dedication.

The Junkman

Junkman
United States - 1982
Director – H. B. Halicki
Trans World Entertainment, 1984, VHS
Run time – 1 hour, 33 min.

This is something of a sequel to the 1974 film Gone In 60 Seconds which I’ve never seen. I’ve never really been into car movies, but for a dollar can you blame me? As soon as I saw the soft white-plastic clamshell I was sold. There was only a brief period at the beginning of the VHS age when regular movies were sold in this type of case. Later on most of the Disney type animation was released this way, but for a few minutes it was an industry standard.

In the late 70’s/early 80’s there was a strange period of time that I may never understand when it was broadly considered cool and heroic to destroy things and see if you could hurt yourself publicly. Nowadays these things are still popular but they’ve become part of the distinct profile of the Culture War. Monster trucks and Nascar simply no longer appeal to the entire country simply because the driver is wearing a flag outfit and stuff gets broke. Maybe it was because of Vietnam, and everybody was depressed and needed to feel good about a guy in a flag suit trying to do pointless shit at the risk of his life.

Think back to when Evel Knievel was more or less at the peak of his popularity, by the time Junkman was made, three movies had already been made about Evel. So other people who liked to drive cars and hurt themselves saw the opportunity and went for it. Case in point, H.B. Halicki, a minor stuntman guy who collected stuff, including cars and toys, and decided to make a movie more or less about himself. That was Gone In 60 Seconds, in which he had a used car dealership. In The Junkman we get more of the inflated story, this time about Halicki’s actual junkyard business. Here, despite what I’m sure is supposed to be dramatic tension and an interesting plot is a movie about a guy, written directed and produced by the guy. In effect it’s a 90 minute ego trip, and that’s sortof whats supposed to make it mildly interesting. Halicki apparently was a fairly eccentric character before he got killed on the set of the actual sequel to Gone In 60 Seconds.

None of these people is Halicki. All these pictures are random because I was drinking homemade raspberry wine when I watched this movie.

Unfortunately as Junkmans hubristic protagonist he’s pretty unsympathetic, and since it’s supposed to be an exaggerated version of Halicki, I get the impression he was pretty full of himself in real life too (confirmed if you trust the poorly written Wiki entry). The Junkman spends most of his movie barely escaping bumbling assassination attempts as he leaves a wake of dismissively arrogant destruction (“Over 150 Cars Destroyed”). Why, he can’t seem to figure out, would anyone want to kill him, the coolest most enviable B-list stuntman ever? I’m guessing it wasn’t his penchant for philanthropy.

Admittedly much of my take on the mud-boggin’ truck-stompin’ sidespin of Americana is colored by my metropolitan mindset and I cant help but wonder what the fuck people find so entertaining about spending loads of cash on stuff just to get the thrill of breaking it. I was born and raised in prime shitkicker territory, but I guess I never quite understood the appeal.

I was both pleased and disappointed to discover that Junkman did make it to a DVD with shitty cover art. I was hoping I had a rare VHS gem, but I’ll take solace in my clamshell with crappy painting art and in knowing that this piece of Americana, if puzzling, hasn’t been completely subsumed by pop.

Drug Traffikers (Thunder Warrior)

(cover scan courtesy The Scandy Factory)

Thunder Warrior

a.k.a. - Thunder, Drug Traffikers

Italy - 1987

Director – Fabrizzio De Angelis

Image Entertainment, 1988, DVD

I had nothing to go on with this film. It was a blind shot, a totally random acquisition circumstantially attached to a triple feature DVD set that I bought in order to see Caged Fury That’s alright though, I love getting random movies I’ve never heard of before, and I do so love surprises. I’m not surprised that the Italians weren’t trying to make a socially conscious film here, but they missed the boat by 8 years if you’re counting the far better but equally exploitive Johnny Firecloud.

Our intro is a wild westish theme, with the ubiquitous brown-hued sandstone plateaus, Juniper flecked hills and empty sky, forlorn harmonica music drives the point home. A long haired kid named Thunder hitches a ride home on a truck and hops off at a gas station where a skeezy sheriff proposes “hose tryout” and a private “pump session” to the girl pumping his gas. Ahem yeah. Speaking to an old “native”, our young lad babbles something incomprehensible with wildly flapping lips, oh, it’s Italian! With a sluggish cheap as dogshit-dub no less. I’m starting to think this is going to be, no, it is definitely going to be trashy Injunsploitation. I know this is not new, it is just so crude that it’s hard to track such overt grab-n-smash back to old John Wayne films.


Or not, thankfully, the Italians leave very little space for intellectual acrobatics. After yakking at the old creasy faced grandpa in dubbed out Italian, Thunder goes to the local Indian cemetery, replete with foam tombstones where he finds a burly construction jerk ready to pour the foundation of a strip mall. In the meantime, he steps out of his Cat to drain the lizard on the sacred ground. Patiently waiting for just such an affront is Thunder who issues a massive face beating a-la stray discarded 2-x-4 before running away when the construction worker cavalry arrives.

In town Thunder goes to the police station to ask the cops to stop construction of the strip mall. (I’m assuming it’s a strip mall because that’s the tackiest building I can think of) Sheriff Cole played by Bo Svenson blows him off and one of the deputies drives the kid out of town and dumps him. I hate to call Bo out, he seems like a decent actor, but damned if every movie I’ve seen him in isn’t total crap. Maybe he was making poor choices because he was all doped up.

On the long walk back, the construction workers show up and lasso Thunder to their jeep and drag him around before kicking hell out of him. The Italians know how to ratchet up an anti-native sentiment to howling crescendo of screaming headline quality racism. In town, Thunder goes to the bank that is funding the construction and when the deputies show up to wreck his day again he beats them senseless. I’m getting the impression that we’re supposed to make a jump in logic here. Either Thunder is a ‘Nam vet, or it’s just natural Indian proclivity to kick serious ass.

Pursuing Thunder, the deputies instigate a manhunt that lasts the rest of the movie, often without Thunder present on screen and during which the caliber of firearms increases exponentially. Frankly as far as guns are concerned this is like the entire Death Wish series concentrated into one big murky Injun Rambo played by a very white Mark Gregory. (Bronx Warriors series and this trilogy and that’s about it) So Basically, it’s a white guy playing a native, aping a white guy. (assuming the reality/cinema continuum is seamlessly joined) Unsurprisingly the cops set grandpa Eagle’s house on fire roasting him alive and later, nearly rape his sister, or anyway, that gas pump girl who hangs around with grandpa Eagle and doesn’t say much.

The final scene is effectively a 10 minute hyperviolent recap of the whole movie into one hugely incinerating awesomesplosion as Thunder drives a front-end-loader into the bank and inexplicably bazookas the vault door over and over. By the time the first deputy shows up, the cops are clearly so horrified at Thunders ability to magically generate bazooka ammo, and his carefree penchant to use it that they all suddenly let him go. This is confirmed by the small blond children wearing warpaint who warble in falsetto adult dubbed voices “Thunder will never die!”, making it white kids playing at being a white guy playing at being a native aping a white man. A premise which is so ridiculous in retrospect that nothing else can explain Cole’s sudden sympathetic turn, except that maybe Svenson really was high as a kite. For the record, whatever he's on would be the only drugs in this movie, I don't know why they retitled it that.

The DVD cover of the Drug Traffikers tripple feature.