13 December 2007

Star Odessey

Star Odyssey
Italy - 1979
Director- Alfonso Brescia (as Al Bradley)
Brentwood Home Video, 2003, Space Quest20 movie DVD set

On a crappy Italian backlot soundstage somewhere in CineCitta, Al Bradley (AKA Alfonso Brescia) has finished his “film” War of the Planets ahead of schedule. What to do? Here’s the deal, shoot one film, and get the next two, of equal or lesser value FREE!

A spaceship detects an alien craft, the first contact with aliens! The alien craft flees, and when the humans try to catch up, the alien ship destroys them! The humans try and blast back, but their weapons are ineffectual. The commander of the human mothership is befuddled, but quickly realizes that if they are to have any chance they need to enlist the help of Professor. Sadly, Commander and Professor don’t get on well ever since Commander threw Professor in prison. The only person who can successfully help Professor escape from incarceration is Space Hero Oliver Carera. Carera is a by the book jerk who refuses to violate the law and perform the jailbreak, so Commander hypnotizes him.

Meanwhile, the aliens have been scoping out earth so they can offer the planet and it’s resources of slaves and such at their next “planet auction”.

Carera teams up with another guy with a child molester moustache and a silver spider web on his shirt who also has hypnotizing power and telekinesis. They do some crazy stuff and Spider Shirt keeps Carera hypnotized and they team up with Professors sexy big-boobed daughter/assistant who in turn recruits a crazy android boxer who in turn enlists the help of two manic depressive suicidal robots who can phase in and out of physicality. Follow?

Somehow, they rescue some scientists who are going to create some synthetic “Indirium” which is apparently the only way they can defeat the evil aliens plan. During a conversation they are served whiskey by a little R2-D2 knockoff foam and plastic robot that obviously has an impatient little kid in it because the silver lycra clad arms twitch and flop impatiently. Ha ha that shit is funny! While the scientists are in the lab synthesizing, the muscle is outside digging holes when the aliens attack, hey, it turns out these aliens are the same gold wigged assholes as War of the Robots, who once again are armed with light saber knockoffs. After the good guys capture one of the alien swords, the scientists go to the lab and synthesize it. The leader of the bad guys, Gator Face does psychic battle with Professor. The scientists finally synthesize “anti-indirium”, oh wait, no one of the depressed robots does. There is a big ass sword fight in the aliens ship Then a heat ray or some something. This is so horrible that it’s jaw dropping. Everything that could be low class and lousy about it is. It’s like one of those trashy Italian barbarian movies (one of which, Iron Warrior was directed by Brescia) but in “space”, and with the lowest possible production value. What makes it so incredible is that it combines every possible bad and corny stereotype into one sordid package and wallows in it with pride, without using nudity as a pressure release valve! Making it even more heretical, aghast it continues. Pure excruciating beauty. Screw it.

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