28 October 2008

Miami Horror

Miami Horror
A.K.A. Miami Golem
Italy - 1985
Director – Alberto De Martino (as Martin Herbert)
Panther Entertainment, 1988, VHS

Sweet title design and even sweeter intro song (I wish I could shareit with you), but one thing that’s sad about old VHS tapes is that most of them are fullscreen and pan-n-scan and you miss some of the picture. So it is with this film, though that may prove to be some help in this case.

David Warbeck (of Fulci’s The Beyond) stars here as an intrepid and skeptical freelance TV journalist, the sleeves of his elasticky leather jacket perpetually pushed up, and always ready to scoff with impatient cockiness.

Commissioned to do a story on a scientist who has cloned a genetically modified outer-space organism which looks like a human zygote, he shows up at a science lab where his decrepit video equipment shorts out and electrocutes the creature. It simultaneously unleashes strange screaming apparitions and a string of silly shit for Warbeck to sarcastically roll his eyes at.

First, the scientist actually answers to a telekenetic but otherwise plain old boring economist who plans to use the power of the also-telekinetic and rapidly growing organism to enforce his diabolical business plan on an unsuspecting world.

In order to translate the voices on his videotape of the corny low budget apparitions, Warbeck hires the hideously nappy Laura Trotter (of Umberto Lenzi's amazing City of the Walking Dead) who opened the movie with this eye assaulting jogging outfit.

Trotter concedes that the voices are those of her fellow benevolent extra-dimensional aliens visiting earth to dispose of the malevolent psychic-fetus. On top of that her own personal agenda is sex with Warbeck, which she promptly demands. Almost as if fleeing the scene of his most embarrassing cinematic crime, Warbeck confirms her claim by staring with bored incredulity at a crude UFO landing site and later, by watching the only cool special effect of the film, a decaying housecat, twice, thanks to an editing screwup on the tape.

Returning to Trotter’s house after being continually pummeled with ridiculous crap, a distraught and emotionally damaged Warbeck quickly imbibes several fingers of scotch. Taking advantage of his fragile emotional condition Trotter extinguishes the last of his resistance with liquor and reiterates her previous demand. Yes! Warbeck, that filthy fucker, worships at the hideous mulleted alien poontang shrine and all his previous sarcastic scorn evaporates into the genuine curiosity and enthusiasm of a housebitch on a leash.

In the final anticlimactic battle with the growling psychic fetus, Warbeck mirrors the plot at large, stumbling around haphazardly smashing into shelves of breakables with his arms thrown up helplessly. Slave to the stupidity, a victorious but world weary Warbeck lugs the fetus to Trotters mothership and trades it in along with his pride in the vain hope of a merciful end to this movie

See what's in the jar on the table?


Dan said...

Never heard of this film & never seen it . I Think I would enjoy it (I like "B" Movies). But the cover Art is beautiful

Scandy Tangerine Man said...

This cover couldn't be more awesome if it tried. A dinosaur would be nice, but y'know...