15 June 2009

To The Limit

United States – 1995
Director – Raymond Martino
PM Entertainment Group, 1995, VHS
Run time - 1 hour, 36 min.

A cackling bald guy in a camo shirt completes a big deal with a mustachioed guy with a Russian, and then suddenly Mexican, accent. Bald guy cackles some more and then blows up the helicopter with the other guy in it. Balding Frank DaVinci (producer Joey Travolta, John's older brother who managed to land himself a discomforting sex scene with Smith) has a bachelor party at a strip club, and then at his wedding his wife is gunned down and he is grievously wounded. At the same time, wedding party guest and ex CIA Agent Colette DuBois (Anna Nicole Smith) is taking a long hot shower, and having sex with her husband (Michael Nouri of Flashdance). As they leave for the wedding, she forgets the present, and goes back in the house inadvertently saving herself from the fiery explosion of her husband and the car.

A bunch of mafia guys show up at the hospital to protect Frank from his 'Nam flashbacks and the cackling bald guy's sexy food coloring assassan. Frank yanks his fake hospital tubes out of his esophagus and splits for the Vegas scene. After drying her frightening and unnaturally large surface area in the second of three(?) shower scenes, Colette finds frank in Vegas and stutters him the information she and her deep-fried husband uncovered on Cackling Guy.

Smith's co stars are fascinated.

Back in ‘Nam, Frank and his buddies were running "Black Ops" in Hanoi and during the assassination of a double agent, a little girl got killed.

So, uh… I guess, Frank feels guilty and Cackling Guy likes to rub it in?

Colette is attacked by some ninja and heaves her considerable bulk around the room dodging gunfire and shooting back. She is out of breath. An asian girl takes off her shirt and kills some people, then there is a car chase, and, an explosion! Colette takes a bath. Suddenly – in dramatic, climactic tones there is, a clue!! A simple handheld snack composed of bread and spreadable condiments, a SANDWICH CLUE!

Cackling Guy's agrees to an exchange for a mystical golden disk of power, a CD with some pictures of Vietnam on it. At another equally exotic location, they meet up and in a fit of rage Colette hurls the CD Ninja style into Cackling Guys forehead with a bloody squish, and he goes tumbling over the side of the Hoover Dam, much like me, shrieking in doomed horror all the way to the sudden blunt stop at the end.


brokennib said...

Nice, I'm still giggling. Nicole's got quite a set of scary mammies. Looks like she's carrying a couple of Propane tanks.
Hey, and the guy next to Joey T is that Winnebago driving guy from "Renegade".(Lorenzo Lamas' sidekick.)

Seth J G Goodkind said...

Yep, Branscombe Richmond is his name, and the guy next to him is Gino Dentie,not Joey Travolta, but I'm convinced it's Tony Curtis.