25 September 2010

Spooky Midnight VHS Assault #3: How to Field Dress Big Game

How to Field Dress Big Game
United States - 1989
Director - ?
MNTEX Entertainment, 1989, VHS
Run Time - 30 gloriously grueling minutes

Here in Montana we know all too well that keeping your eyes on the prize is a euphemism for more than just the actual hunting and shooting part of the fun. One your prey is felled, the fun part starts, but if you're going to get your hands on the good stuff, you've got to stay focused and reach for it!

Now you are one with the creation of God, with his love, and you can feel the souls of his children pouring quietly to the ground in a cloud of steam, cooling, and congealing as flesh separates from bone.

What follows is a deminstration on how to butcher a bear in order that it's hide might be preserved for a rug. You might also be wondering what happens with all the meaty bits that are contained within that matted, stinking future carpet. As much as possible these are also to be consumed for a true woodsman does not waste.

Conqueror of nature, man-beast of infinite knowledge, exercise your power to mete out death though you fear it yourself. 

These hand of mine, arbiters of life, protector of the sanctity of the Lord's creation, instrument of his divine will....grant me the power and strength to kill and butcher this innocent creature that I might tread upon its flayed skin in a display of my prowess with a collapsible mini-camping hacksaw, available for $39.99 from Cabella's.

No comments: