25 October 2010

Warlords From Hell

United States - 1985
Director - Clark Henderson
Warner Home Video, 1988, VHS
Run Time - 1 hour, 16 minutes

Two United Statesian dirtbikers are jocking it up tearing ass around Mexico when they are caught by some Mexican heavies and forced at gun, knife and fist-point to work on their marijuana plantation. The plantation is guarded by a number of muscular blonde lawless mercenary types from the U.S., including Robert Patrick, all of whom take great pleasure beating up our heroic duo and abusing the indigenous population. Our heroes manage to get a brief missive out of captivity, and disguised as catholic missionaries, two of their friends back home load up a VW van with surplus military ordnance and head south to start a firefight.

Mindbogglingly made and released only moments before the almost identical but more heavily armed and Linda Blair equipped Night Force, Warlords From Hell is, like its cohort, stacked with all kinds of fun and insightful observations on international relations between the U.S. and Mexico. Even if you don't know anything about the long-standing regional tug-of-war in that area, Warlords From Hell is like a crash course in border politics and will get you up to dirtbike-speed in a breathtaking hour and a quarter.

So, where to start. First, despite what you may have heard, sneaking across the border is a totally rad adventure. Although they talk a big game about national sovereignty and security, in truth, over there they need you in order to feed the economy. Secondly there is virtually zero law enforcement because everyone is so impoverished that they have nothing to lose. After all, that's why you're going over there right, you can do whatever the fuck you want without consequence, and because they know how to respect someone with cash.

It is however important to be careful, once you cross the border it can be a little dangerous, there have been reports of bands of armed vigilantes trying to hunt people down and/or employing them under questionably legal circumstances. Not to fear, though it may sound sketchy, if by chance you find yourself in a sticky situation, exploited, robbed, abused or something like that, someone will track you down, put you in their protective custody and get you home free of charge, just like that.

 Well damn, just, damn. Yeeeeeeehaaaaww! That was fun.

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