Flying Down to Rio

Flying Down to Rio

United States - 1933

Director - Thornton Freeland

Turner Home Entertainment, 1990, VHS

Run Time - 1 hour, 29 minutes

Ghost Brigade

Ghost Brigade
aka - Grey Knight

United States - 1993

Director - George Hickenlooper

Turner Home Entertainment, 1995, VHS

Run Time - 1 hour 20 minutes

Virtual Assassin

Yay, It's a screener!

Virtual Assassin

AKA – Cyberjack

United States – 1995

Director – Robert Lee

Turner Home Entertainment, 1995, VHS

Run Time - 1 hour, 39 minutes

Michael Dudikoff. Oh how the never that mighty have fallen into a pit of groaning serpents. Once the compressed essence of pure American everything-awesomeness in heart-throbbing, tendon strung Sgt. Armstrong; the unadulterated leathernecky can-do integrity in Lt. Knight, and now this desperate low of bitter and recalcitrant computer lab janitor? Were he to look forward a decade from those halcyon days of yore to the far distant future, what would Dudikiff think? What would he do differently?

The truth is, Michael Dudikoff is sorely misinterpreted, his detractors leaping to conclusions without really analyzing the facts. Is there really that much difference in the quality of American Ninja and Virtual Assassin? Let us see. The former has to its credit the undeniable presence of the late Steve James rugged and chiseled jawline and retina assaulting smile, surely not a thing to be taken lightly. It also has the contextually powerful and perennially effective catchword “ninja” in the title. Virtual Assassin, while not the recipient of that lofty and prestigious honor of franchisedom which blessed its predecessor, can still boast of a number of dubiously impressive merits of its own. First of course is the terminally sinister visage of the also late Brion James, his unmistakable dental arcade and remarkably-versatile-despite-its-severity widow’s peak (here miraculously styled into an attractive Euro-fro) which never fail to elicit a shudder of wary recognition. Like American Ninja it also sports an equally impressive and  contemporary moniker featuring the buzzword “virtual” And in case that didn’t impress you enough (perhaps you recently saw Lawnmower Man and are suspicious of the theme) it proffers a second, equally compelling alternate title prominently featuring the hip word “cyber”.

So I ask, is it really fair to heirarchically compare one period in Michael Dudikoff’s career to any other period? I would argue that he warrants a great deal of respect for having maintained a consistent quality, something many actors seem all to frequently to foul up. Mr. Dudikoff has not fallen, for never did he rise too high. His only misfortune has been merely to attract detractors, those slithering anklebiters whose ninja fogged optimism obscured their long-haul vision. No I say, Dudikoff never fell, for if his Nick James (whoa, creepy) character in Virtual Assassin tells us anything about his career, he has had the presence of mind to place himself always near the crest of popular trends, and in the company of equally persistent fellows. I urge you then to see this film as yet another manifestation of this cinematic Clydesdale, his proverbial cabled muscles steaming with effort as he consistently and tirelessly ploughs the infinite and fickle furrow of the popular consciousness.

Forest Warrior

Forest Warrior

United States – 1996

Director – Aaron Norris

Turner Home Entertainment, 1996, VHS

Run time – 1 hour, 38 min.

This has got to be the most offensive Chuck Norris movie out there, and I don’t mean un-PC offensive (though there is a bellyful of that too). I just mean generally offensive to the senses. This is the last feature film Aaron Norris directed, and by leaps and bounds the most atrocious. Tired and ill-conceived but slick as a spoonful of ipecac, Chuck Norris doesn’t belong in a family movie, and the end results made me ill.

A withered old Loretta Swit (better known as Hot Lips Houlihan in the M.A.S.H. TV show) plays the single mother of an ugly as sin little kid, Logan. He’s the youngest of a group of grade-school friends who live in Oregon and carefully recite lines written by adults who never considered actual children’s grammar. Abused good naturedley by his pals, Logan joins them on his first trip “to the mountain”. Based on Swit’s terrified sobbing, I'd guess this is going to be an epic coming of age tale. At another friend's home, an alcoholic single father is verbally abused and given the full harpy woman guilt trip by his daughter Austene, the 11 year old “hot chick” of the movie. And since she’s the only girl in the group, brace yourself, there’s gonna be some sparkly fairy shit somewhere.


As the children ride away toward the ominous mount Hood moms weep, giving the impression that perhaps their children are going to butcher and eat one of the gang in some kind of savage rite. Wait why the hell is there banjo music? The legend of the mountain, as told by the friendly older token black character, is that the mountain is protected by the spirit of a guy named um, McKenna, a (Scottish?) Indian who takes the form of various disheveled and domesticated “wild” animals. Before ascending the mountain, all children must pray to the spirit of McKenna. (sadly no speaking in tongues) Their destination is a fancy tree-house fort located in a well-used patch of campground. There they meet a pitiful looking bear, obviously fed on twinkies and hotdogs, which they name “Rags”. There are also sounds emanating from the trees, spirits no doubt, of the poor suffering forest.

Soon their playground prancing is disturbed by evil machine music and big hardware chewing up logs. Eager slavering loggers lurk around the machines repeatedly telling each other how much they “Wanna cut down some trees.” In flagrant defiance of the intended message, I actually liked these guys better than the damn kids because they were straightforward, and even danced around playing air guitar with their chainsaws.

There is some heavy and tearful young adult drama here, clearly intended to create tension in a simple absorbent 5th grade mind. Instead I felt like I was watching a propaganda film for the Republican Party geared toward creating young believers in the policy of carefully “regulated exploitation”, a petting zoo image of nature and continued glorification of violence used to solve ones problems.

Although a few awkward and clunky scenes of Norris kicking logger ass are crudely jammed in, Chuck’s been pushed onto the back burner to let the kids tug off the real “heroics”. He looks ragged and tired, like he’s recovering from a full decade of chemotherapy. And that outfit, 100% Grade-A authentic truckstop “Injun”.