Dark Tower

Dark Tower

United States - 1987

Director- Ken Barnett

Video Treasures, 1994, VHS

Run time - 1 hour, 31 min.

I personally believe that it is a bad idea to try and push anything other than the plot of the film at hand on the box itself. The obvious deduction when you see a video sleeve with claims like “in the tradition of…” is to think the film can’t stand on its own merit. When it’s an indie movie, like Dark Tower, it might also be a bad move to call out all the actors and their previous roles, in a bulleted list no less, to try and generate interest in the film. In short, any attempt to play up the quality of a film by invoking other films is a bad idea. But, for all I know, that was the only thing the marketing team though they had going for them.

Carolyn Page (Jenny Agutter) gives a bunch of fellows a tour of a skyscraper under construction and then retires to her office to undress and walk around in some underwear. A window washer catching an eyeful cranes his neck to get a better look but when she sees him he suddenly starts getting jerked around by an unseen force, his head bashed against the window and finally hurled over the side of his pulley falling like a giant bird poo to splatter on top of one of the guys who was just getting the tour. This says less I think about the fall, than the woman’s full closet nightie setup in her office, in an otherwise totally unfinished building.

Dennis Randall (Michael Moriarty, The Stuff, Hanoi Hilton) is called in as a head of security or something, to give the film a procedural feel and sporadically squeeze out his lines with a manic yell. Randall also has numerous waking psychic episodes in which he visualizes himself raping Carolyn while some guy in a shabby suit watches. He also appears to be sleeping with her while he has these visions, but the films producers deemed this paradox beneath clarification. That evening a security guard is menaced by a malfunctioning fluorescent light fixture and some spooky music. The whole thing is like a primitive god concept, in which a little understood phenomenon, mechanical failure in this case, is explained by the irrational invention of a supernatural controlling force. Hence the evil elevator, which drops at terminal velocity to splatter the security guard, but remains functional for the rest of the film to perform the same trick ad nauseum with the same boring static shot. Nobody calls a repairman, it’s just taken for granted that it's an evil spirit.

Instead, Randall hires a "French" paranormal-psychologist to bring still more verbal diarrhea to this buffet of talent. The shrink, Kevin McCarthy (My Tutor and Innerspace among other gems) gets drunk and tells everyone they are stupid. Advice for the ages to be sure, but perhaps better received prior to signing a contract to be in this film. In any case all three of the boys team up to tackle the building's poltergeist, dragging a snarky Carolyn along for laughs. Soon confronted by some wind and noises, everyone becomes overwhelmed by the awesome vapidity of the film. Randall becomes possessed by said spirit, apparently Carolyn’s dead husband, and barks out the whole back-story like a steaming hairball into Carolyn’s lap. Inexplicably he becomes a cheap rubber zombie and chases Carolyn around the building, grabs her and magically re-seals them both back into the broken concrete piling of the buildings foundation before reappearing moments later as Moriarty, apparently at peace with the whole ridiculous poltergeist-zombie-transmogrification thing. Well, that’s faith for you. Amen.




IMDB claims that this was directed by Freddie Francis who was later replaced by Ken Wiederhorn (Return of the Living Dead II, Shockwaves), the former seems ridiculous because he's a multiple Oscar winner, but the second sounds more feasible simply because this is his caliber of film

Land of Doom

Land of Doom

United States - 1984

Director- Peter Maris

Avid Home Entertainment, 1992, VHS

Not very many movies have the guts to boldly declare on the back of the box, which movies they knocked off. Land of Doom is one such movie. its awesomely alluring painted cover by Renato Casaro which promises the beginning of a battle (involving a gauntlet-crossbow with five fingers and no thumb) and has at least one scene from the movies that inspired Land of Doom.

The battle begins with an extensive raid scene which goes on and on with numerous killings and rapes. Amidst all the screaming, in one fiery hut a blonde woman, Harmony, fights off a caveman with a meat cleaver and escapes to another nearby cave where she encounters a wounded foxy dude named Anderson. Bent on building a better wasteland, Anderson lays a heavy peace and love trip on Harmony, overcoming her outright hostility enough to convince her to travel as a team. They are shortly caught by a goofy/crazy bad guy who laughs and taunts them, but repeatedly emphasizes his goofy/craziness, and frosts that little cupcake of irritation with stupid. Saved by Harmony, Anderson works on his own bakers dozen of unrelenting irritating utopian babble-ass, and Harmony understandably tries to ditch him again.

They wind up at some rock houses carved out of cliffs and boulders, and there is a battle which they watch from afar and then steal a motorcycle with ridiculous “post-apocalyptic” scrap metal armor welded on, using it to run away. Moments later, the bike runs out of gas right near some other rock-houses. These ones inhabited by French post-apocalyptic hillbillies whom Harmony and Anderson ask for food.

Discovering that the French have served them human meat, H & A flee again and watch another battle from a hilltop.

Some movies are not very good but have a few exciting set pieces or scenes to wake you up and make the rest of the movie worth sitting through. Land of Doom has none of those. The interesting scenery and typical, if entertaining apocalypse gear is worth a laugh or two. But sadly, like Anderson's droning future-hippie psycho-babble, this uniquely terrible movie is little more than an exercise in monotony.

This poster from Wrong Side of The Art is way better, but it looks like Harmony is accidentally discharging her weapon.

The concept art for the sequel from the directors website Maris Entertainment.

Turkish Land of Doom box art from Post Apocalypse.

And some Australian box art from Rolfens DVD. I'm sure the Aussies loved the taint of this movie on their homegrownpost-apoc franchise.

Why Chuck Norris?

Some of you may have been wondering why I've been posting so many reviews of Chuck Norris movies recently, (and more to come) so I ought to set the record straight. I was trying to come up with the best Chuck Norris movies I could find for the Kung Fu Grindhouse annual December Chucksmas event and I thought it would be amusing, or perhaps painful to try and watch every single Chuck Norris movie ever made. So I did.
There were two exceptions; I did not watch any of the Walker Texas Ranger TV movies, and I did not watch 2 movies that I couldn't find, one being The Student Teachers in which he only has a tiny role, and some other one with Wire in the name.
I wrote a review of every single one for Genrebusters.com, but since they are defunct and most of these reviews were fairly amusing, I'm reposting them here with additional info if I can find any. I wrote an intro to the series, and a concluding statement when it was all over, but the latter is nowhere to be found at the moment. Above is the banner I did for Genrebusters, though they never used it, and below is the intro statement;

"Join me in a quest to discover what truly is the meaning of life, or perhaps the meaning of the life of Chuck Norris, and also to try and find a palatable Chuck movie to subject the drinking public to at Kung Fu Grindhouse. I am willingly subjecting myself to a long series of Clockwork Orangesque video brainwashings. Having begun the experiment, I cannot deviate from the path. I will admit that in many ways I am a glutton for punishment. Nobody understands me and I am alone in the world. I suffer for it, I am the champion of the people. (Much as Chuck erroneously believes himself to be) I am a martyr, but don’t get me wrong I’m not a Norris fan, nor do I expect this to be anything but trying, but I’ve justified it by convincing myself that I’ll be a better stronger person for doing it. Yes please, and thank you.
As I watch, I experience, feel, touch and taste that which is Chuck and bring to the printed word as much as I can of the experience. In this case I think the Stream of Consciousness is a direct tributary of Shit Creek."

During the experience I was also inspired to do two paintings for a couple of art shows I contributed to.

So anyway, that's why all the Norris, and if you're in Seattle next December come to Chucksmas, it's fun.

Logan's War: Bound By Honor

This amazingly shitty DVD triple feature contains Logan's War and both President's Man films.

Logan’s War: Bound By Honor
United States - 1998
Director - Michael Preece
Madacy Records, DVD, 2004

And thus begin the Norris TV years, with a bang and a wailing shriek of flag-masticating-papal-patriotic pressure release. In the pickling years of Chuck Norris's life, he begins to develop the deep earthy flavors and sharp bite of an aged right wing cheese. In the two years since Forest Warrior, Chuck and Aaron's "managed wilderness" masterpiece of pasteurized processed cheese-food kiddie fare, Aaron has hung up his director's blindfold for a writer's hatchet, and Chuck has recovered from his struggle with gall stones or skin cancer or whatever; instead of looking like a fat Twinkie fed bear, he looks like a lean and mean mummy, his waxy skin pulled tight across his stubbly skull bone.

As Jake Fallon, Norris is the ex-Army Ranger uncle of Logan, a 10-year-old whose District Attorney family is snuffed out by an organized crime boss. Logan swears murderous vengeance, which Jake casually endorses as a rite of passage. Logan is also a clairvoyant (think Sixth Sense rip-off), and as soon as this skill is crudely revealed, Chuck decides to train him in Karate, and, after an "aging transition effect", continues to train the adult Logan in Army Ranger skills.

Afterwards they meditate with a bald eagle flying in an overlay shot, making brutal vengeance not only zen, but patriotic too. I feel like somebody just took a big red, white and blue crap in my mouth.

Logan goes on to become that Army Ranger, distinguishing himself as an invincible and dutifully destructive pawn of the military industrial complex. After winning sundry awards for exceptional cockiness, Logan leaves the Army and embarks on a private quest to fulfill his earlier declaration of premeditated vindictive manslaughter, again with the complacent macho cowboy consent of Jake and his waxen beyond-the-grave gaze. Yawn.

This movie is boring, there is absolutely nothing new here, Aaron (and co-writer Chuck) go so Hitman-derivative they even have Logan call himself "The Hitman" as he goes ridiculously "undercover" into the mafia. As a face-bashing goon, he gets "made" and meets the Don Bambino within 10 minutes. Undercover, schmundercover, think it aint bad enough? Chuck Norris re-appears from a Cribbage game at the retirement home at the exact moment Logan needs some karate-backup. (see also Sidekicks)

Blech, who wins is who needs to wins, and I drank till I got the spins.

Alternate DVD covers, as if we needed 'em.

The Dark

Just because the movie sucks doesn't mean you should cut the box!

The Dark
United States - 1979
Dir. – John “Bud” Cardos
Media Home Entertainment, VHS, 1982

I bought this movie probably eight months ago. Somehow I knew it was one of those ones, one of the, damn... Somehow my aversion was foreknowledge. After I find some movies, I don’t watch them for a while, 3 months, 6, a year. Some it’s because the film holds no interest for me, I know I need to save it, but not watch it. Others, I have to see, but I have an aversion. I know something is going to be wrong. The Dark is one of the latter, clearly though, I watched it. What made me pick it up was William Devane’s (Rolling Thunder) name. My friend Daniel told me stay away because the director had a “quoted” nickname. I told me to stay away because the cover/poster looked too expansive, like it couldn't help but overstate the contents.

My first impression is that the neo-gothic doomsday narration at the beginning is a bad sign. My second, after the monster talk and a quick kill, is that this is a Slithis rip-off with a psychic. I hate movies with psychics, they are never good. There may have been a point in the 70’s/80’s when psychics were heavy business, but really, they’re just a joke or a pre-CSI syndicated afternoon soap-cop-era. Too bad this movie was made in the middle of the psychic era, crap.
DeVane is an ex-con horror novel writer whose daughter happens to be the first victim of the beastie. The detectives on the case are a donut-eating old man cartoon, and a tough as nails cynic, the same fellow who put DeVane away for murder (this is mentioned as an afterthought). Meanwhile, a sexy female TV journalist asserts her feminism by insisting on covering the story, and making mattress friskies with DeVane. Bad sign.


Each time the monster is about to attack someone with the ridiculous lasers it shoots from it’s eyes, a chorus of reverbed voices on the audio track begins whispering “oscurita” which I guess is supposed to be where the movie got its name or something.

DeVane, in aviators, a headband and a Corvette, starts tracking the monster through his association with the psychic and a cocaine party on a yacht. With the help of the reporter chick this is accomplished using a montage. With the help of a lot of dumb dialogue, we know now that this is a boring 70’s monster movie that’s trying ever so hard to be suspenseful, despite it’s lame updated cross of gothic horror and sci-fi.


Finally in the last “climactic” scenes, the big reveal occurs, and we see the monster. Now I know where they came up with the Leprechaun makeup, thankfully they dramatically improved on it. This guy just looks like a big friendly renaissance–fair troll.

The original poster art, the version on the VHS box at the top is probably better but I'm including this for posterity or whatever.

I think this is an alternate poster, maybe someone else has better information?

A triple feature DVD from Shriek Show, and you can get a DVD with the poster art for the cover, but I wouldn't recommend it.

Steamboatin'

Steamboatin’
United States - 1992
Director – ?
Delta Queen Steamboat Company, 1999, VHS
Run time: 5 minutes

This is going to be an intense journey through five minutes of concentrated advertising, and it’s amazing that for the shortest film I’ve reviewed I have more images than any other film I’ve reviewed.

If you believe that Dixieland, that is the plantations and legalised racial hierarchy is nostalgic, then Steamboatin’ tours are for you. The Steamboatin’ tours are all about reclaiming a lost piece of American history, and eating, and making both of them sound incredibly appealing. Steamboatin’ is an experience in long term consequence denial. You can look back in admiration at the history and feel nostalgic despite the slavery, while looking forward with covetous desire to unlimited helpings of chess pie despite the obesity and heart disease.

If the details of the tour sound a little bit dubious, the testimonials of the cosmetics caked blond folks who’ve taken the cruise, and those who lead them will reassure you that this is completely unlike the “blue water” cruises you’ve heard about. Steamboatin’ cruises (perpetual emphasis on the apostrophe blank, because it’s fucking colloquial and hence authentic) take you to the heart of America where you can witness the majesty and splendor of Ohio cornfields and admire the fully restored celebrations of institutionalized racial exploitation all set to a grating loop of canned popular American folk song clips.

It's one thing to read about these things or have them recited to you by the strung out tour manager, but its another thing entirely to go on shore yourself, and "go back in time" to see the plantations and re-live American history (which I'm beginning to gather includes whipping) the way mark Twain would have (only with a buffet line). We love the plantations and American history and on Steamboatin' tours you can see the plantations and really enjoy it just as much as we do.

One assumes that the women behind the matte-finish all-weather exterior are referring to the melanin endowed crew of the boat, prominently featured performing authentically menial duties. They may not all be authentically “black” but they are definitely not white.



On board in your tacky suite you can sit awkwardly in uncomfortable furniture and pretend to read, or even write things down. On deck after enjoying any number of authentic meatballs, hushpuppies and/or dumplings you can stand on deck and gaze at the thrilling paddle wheel churning you at 8 miles an hour past an authentic river bank like they used to have back then.


If you're tired of artificial vacations, and want a truly authentic one in which you are able to really "get situated" and unpack and experience authentic local American culture and plantations between meals, then come on down and join us on the beautiful and historic Delta Queen Steamboat where the only thing historically inauthentic is that we don't openly speak about our racism, we just keep it in our heartland.

The Delta Queen and her sister ships do have an inherent historical value at least, completely removed from this context, but as of this writing they are no longer plying the muddy waters of middle Americana, and are in fact up for sale. So that makes this video like, rare right?

Because I know you want to read it, I present you with every single goddamned page of the Steamboatin' brochure included with this video.

And of course the rare shore tour certificate. I was lucky enough to get an authentic original in my copy of the Steamboatin' promotional video.

Fangoria 71 - Night Of The Living Dead

I know I've been slacking on the posts in the last month, this quarter has been a lot more brutal than I expected and I've had little time to devote to film. That said I'll give you some old Fangoria back when it was still a fun rag. One of the great things about these old issues is that in addition to having contemporary articles about the films you still love (in this case Brain Damage), you can find all kinds of stuff you forgot about (like Cellar Dweller).

So the article I'm featuring here is a Fango "exclusive" of some full color Night of the Living Dead production stills. Behind the scenes shots so to speak, though none of them are terribly interesting. My love of zombie movies makes this one of my favorites, and I always think it's interesting, at least from a nerd point of view to remember that NOTLD did not have to be filmed in black and white, it was just cheaper that way. After all, full color footage was daily being flown back from the killing fields of Vietnam and screened every night on TV in 1968. Incidentally, that's where Tom Savini was, Vietnam, serving as an Army combat photographer, that's why he wasn't working on NOTLD despite the offer from Romero.
Anyway, enjoy.

Lone Wolf McQuade

Lone Wolf McQuade

United States – 1983

Director – Steve Carver

MGM Home Entertainment, DVD, 2001

Lone Wolf McQuade it would seem, gave Norris the impetus, planting the bitter kernel that would grow into the Texas Ranger we know today. One fun part about this movie is that it co-stars David Carradine as the bad guy who wears an assortment of cozy sweatervests throughout the film. At least we know there's gonna be a sweet fight between the two of ‘em at the end of the movie.
The first thing you'll notice about this movie is the sweet footage of a wolf stalking around behind the credits. Of course there hasn’t been a damn wolf in Texas for 200 years, but who cares. It's probably just a hungry coyote hunting house cats, and considering what follows, that metaphor is more appropriate.

The second thing you'll notice is the blatant Ennio Morricone knock-off music, complete with whistling, which scores just about every scene in this movie.

Some scummy-lookin' bandidos are rustling some horses when they are confronted by some Texas Rangers who fumble their guns and get the crap kicked out of ‘em. Enter J.J. McQuade with the midday sun right behind, illuminating him like jesus in a cowboy hat. With a series of karate kicks and perfectly aimed shots from his personal arsenal of small arms, he dispatches the lot. I get the sense that this is going to be a recurring theme.

Back at HQ, McQuade obviously has an outrageously fantastic arrest and conviction record, but his methods are too uncouth and uncultured for the brass. Norris mutters recalcitrant bitter threats and is assigned a partner. Buy one genre cliche, get the second free.


McQuade heads home to his shack and chicken coop. He has a refrigerator for his beer, and a whole platoon of scarecrow shooting targets surrounding his house, which he repeatedly practices shooting and blowing up with grenades after drinking all the beer. The Latino partner, spurned by Lone Wolf, watches through binoculars and gets a little bit too excited. This partner guy is gonna spend the whole movie trying to not come across as the "overachieving inferiority complex" minority character.


Between an evil midget in an electric wheelchair, an airhead girlfriend who has to die by the end of the movie, the daughter, and an ex wife, it's hard to believe Norris has time for it all Not to mention the minority sidekick, and then a snarly black FBI agent (Leon Isaac Kennedy), and finally a fully lifted and macho Ford Bronco that just won't quit, it's time to get down to business. We need to drag every single one of these supporting characters into a crazy plot with a massive explosion battle at the end.

Carradine buries McQuade alive in his Bronco, but after pouring a cold beer over his head to freshen up, the Lone Wolf stomps on the gas pedal and blasts his way out of the ground for the huge grenade-and-uzi-and-anti-tank-rocket battle at the end. As if you didn’t know it was coming, Carradine and his movie-fu takes on Norris and his redneckarate in the battle of a culture war of the decade. Sweater vest zero, hairy-pelt chest hero.

The pretty awesome poster art by C.W. Taylor.

The soundtrack LP sleeve, about which I, don't know what to say. Maybe if you really like Ennio Morricones music, but hate Italians you should buy this, but then again this music appears to be done by an Italian as well. I don't know, the art is cool anyway.