29 May 2011

Spooky Midnight VHS Assault #4: Upholstery Home Care

Upholstery Home Care
United States – 1993
Director – ?
Soil Shield Int’l, 1993, VHS
Run Time – 20 minutes

A moving introduction by Ma' Partridge
Dear Housewife, we know that your home is a cage, a psychological prison. The outside world, beyond the cul-de-sac, beyond even your door is unnerving. From within the comfort of your scrapbooks, protection and safety is what you crave. The outside world with which you only nominally interact during that great socially reaffirming American rite of provisioning the brood, is a strange, distant and terrifyingly unpredictable place when not filtered reassuringly through the warm rays of the happy-box that bathe the family room when your clan gathers together for some quality time.

Little did you know that there is a universe of terror soiling the comfy paisley fibers of your very own domestic sanctuary. It is a strange and unknown world teeming with swarms of invisible menace, a silent creeping invasion of entropy, an infestation of internal rot, hidden and beyond your control. Be wary, but cautiously relieved that this terror has been scientifically measured, quantified and categorized by our certifiable experts, heroes of modern consumer science. This battle will require vigilance and prayer, but thank Jesus that you just bought a love-seat and the video included with your new furnishing is about to gush the divine rays of upholstered revelation all over your life.

A comforting firmness exudes from our video host’s supple voice. There is something soothing, reassuring and slightly arousing about his masculine confidence. Armed with the arsenal and strategic soilage attack chart that you’ll need to defend your suburban compound of conformity, it feels almost sensual to consume this chemical bath, doused in the aerosol aroma of soilage repellence. Inhaling the heady vapors of sanitized sanctity you can almost feel your nameless salt-n-pepper sweater friend embracing you with his strong masculine odor of sterility. "Hello beautiful, yes you…. you are doing a great job, you are knowledgeable and prepared domestic companion, well equipped to deal effectively with any tragedy that might befall your home furnishings. Anytime you need to feel desirable and valued, just gently moisten the upholstery and lovingly rub until the bars of your cage fade into the fumes..."

The inside front flap of the box contains a chart for strategic soilage countermeasures.

1 comment:

fletchanator said...

Yikes, this one looks scarier than any horror flick.