Zombie High

Zombie High

United States – 1987

Director – Ron Link

Cinema Group Home Video, 1987, VHS

Run Time – 1 hour 31 minutes

I grew up just early enough to catch the second wave of zombie films that came with the 80’s and early 90’s and I am a huge fan of that era. It’s been difficult to get behind the zombie films of the third wave that began with 28 Days Later. They have such a different aesthetic and context that my greater awareness as an adult has prevented me from enjoying or even appreciating them much. There are a few exceptions of course, namely the recent Romero films, and the Dawn of the Dead remake. Still, nothing compares to the original, or Fulci’s masterpiece, Zombi 2.
Then there are also exceptions to the rule that zombie films of the second wave are universally better. An obvious stinker might be The Video Dead, but I can get behind even that terrible piece of shit because it still adheres to at least one of the (my) critical Zombie Movie Rules.

One, with the exception of voodoo, films should not attempt to explain the origin of zombies or zombification. Big no-no in my book and a sure-fire ruiner of any zombie centered plot as last year’s TV disasterpiece The Walking Dead proved. Second, if you’re going to have gore, don’t make the plot too complex and vice-versa, if you’re not going to have gore, you better have a good story. Finally and most importantly, zombies should not be self aware, this includes their use as a distinct political or demographic statement in and of themselves. Romero used his zombies as a catalyst to discuss social issues in his early films, but they were not intrinsically a metaphor for any distinct subject or issue. Now I know some people will want to argue these points, and I welcome the discussion, but I’ve thought about this quite a lot and am pretty convinced.

There are of course isolated exceptions to each of my rules (opinions), however any film in which violations manifest immediately becomes suspect. Thus I raised an eyebrow as the opening scenes of Zombie High began playing out across my screen. As much as I despise classism and plutocracy, as a separately defined antagonist group in a monster movie, they belong to the despicable Vampire genre. In Zombie High the titular monsters are the elite students of an already elite prep-school. Until the opening of this film, the student body had been exclusively male, but Virginia Madsen’s character Andrea is among the first contingent of double X chromosomes to attend and it’s pretty clear that she comes from a “lower class” demographic. On top of this, the zombies are explained, created by a brain serum and controlled by their zombie overlord with the use of a crystal and a cassette tape of classical music. Essentially they’re vampires again. Finally, there’s virtually zero gore, and as I just described, the story is pretty stupid, so you’ve got an all around loser here.

Hurry, flip the tape!

I did not originally intend to compare this film to Video Dead, but it ended up that way. Because they came out in the same year it works out well to demonstrate how one exception to the rules can make so much difference. Video Dead doesn’t make its zombies exemplary representatives of any class or group and thus despite being an otherwise lousy film, it beats Zombie High hands down.

A UK VHS sleeve from It's Only A Movie.co.uk

The Amazing Dr. Clitterhouse

The Amazing Dr. Clitterhouse

United States - 1938

Director - Anatole Litvak

Starring - Claire Trevor, Humphrey Bogart and Edward G. Robinson

Another great poster by Italian artist Luigi Martinati.

Bamboo House of Dolls

Bamboo House of Dolls

Hong Kong - 1973

Director - Chih-Hung Kuei

This poster has an obviously striking and rather blunt subject, but I think it's funny that despite the fact that this takes place entirely in Asia, the prison guard is dressed as a Nazi. (The pistol however is a Japanese model, the "Nambu")

From Movie Poster Shop

 

From Moviegoods

Both of the last two come from the magnificent Ultra Guro

Rental Store - Video Warehouse of Woodstock

At one point in history down in Woodstock, Georgia you would have been able to rent Beaks: The Movie at Video Warehouse of Woodstock.

Future Force

 

Future Force

United States - 1988

Director - David A. Prior

Worldvision Home Video, 1993, VHS

Run Time - 1 hour, 30 minutes

(also starring Robert Tessier of Starcrash)

I have never fully understood the cult popularity of David Carradine. I see it being related to him as himself, the David Carradine persona that developed later in his career, rather than any outstanding ability. I have always appreciated Carradine as a litmus test for the quality of film I prefer, something that in my opinion changed for the worse as his cult status grew. Carradine’s name on a film virtually guarantees that it is going to be a laughable piece of shit, but I for one am alright with that. What? You thought I was being critical of this whole situation? I actually appreciate it because it makes a shitty movie so much more enjoyably ludicrous when David Carradine is in there trying to be a badass or tough guy character that he clearly isn’t. It wasn’t until he stopped “acting”, when he began being cast simply as David Carradine, that he started to get boring.

Future Force is a case in point. Carradine operates as the lead in a movie in which he is clearly outclassed in nearly every way by the supporting characters. Together they are all members of C.O.P.S., or the Civilian Operated Police Systems, which as we are all aware is what the police already are. However, in the opening narration we are told that just before the beginning of the film the C.O.P.S. pulled society back from the brink of violent social collapse. In the not-too-distant dystopian 1991 of Future Force, the near-unraveling and subsequent reconstitution of society facilitated by C.O.P.S. has erased any memory of the pre-apocalyptic public law enforcement you and I know. In 1991, that shit is a novelty worthy of acronymic boasting.

Yeah well, who does your hair?

Yet closer inspection of this visual smorgasbord reveals little evidence of any recent social calamity. In fact, the disorder which the C.O.P.S. are ostensibly there to deter repeatedly finds them at its center. In the background, society appears to be functioning quite normally and without any apparent need or even awareness of the C.O.P.S. existence. Their interaction with the peripheral public at large consists primarily of blatantly contradicting their stated mission to “police” or to be “civilian operated”. Furthermore, the C.O.P.S. are a spicy blend of typically "anti-establishment" social stereotypes including but not limited to punks, bikers and rednecks with a dash of leatherman thrown in there for fun. Considering the hard evidence then, C.O.P.S. is looking more like a roving band of undesirables than pillars of the community. So actually, this whole narrative explanation sounds remarkably like a story C.O.P.S. themselves concocted to excuse their dysfunctional behavior.

"I'm tired, where's craft services?"

Amongst the various muscular, mulleted and teeth-grindingly macho members of the C.O.P.S. is one graying skinny guy with a potbelly and a bowlcut. His name is Tucker (indeed, Carradine), and while the rest of the “force” usually carries modern assault rifles, he comes equipped with a six shooter and a blank stare. Despite this totally insignificant disparity in physical attributes, Tucker is the master of every situation he finds himself in. When a new mission comes in he is the first C.O.P. to be called on, and when he becomes the target of his fellow “officers” he out-everythings every single one of his beefy, grunting rivals.

We can begin to see now why the acronym doesn’t match the reality. The complete lack of “social chaos” outside the immediate vicinity of the C.O.P.S. themselves reveals the premise as an elaborate live action role playing game set in a near-future dystopian fantasy realm as imagined by the P.C.s. (Player Characters) Furthermore, Tucker uses the videophone in his Jeep Cherokee to speak with his friend Billy, a kid in a wheelchair who runs the C.O.P.S. central computer system. Billy provides Tucker with secret super weapons and all the information he needs to defeat and/or evade the other C.O.P.S. Thus Tucker's inexplicable “superiority” over his obvious betters in this context is revealed; he is in collusion with the G.M. (Game Master) and is what they call in role-playing parlance, a “cheater”.

Wanted: For taking all the fun out of the game.

Leningrad Cowboys: Go America!

Leningrad Cowboys: Go America!

Finland - 1989

Director - Aki Kaurismaki

Orion Home Video, 1992, VHS

Run Time - 1 hour, 20 minutes

I wrote a meandering piece of commentary on this film for the magnificent metal blog Illogical Contraption. You can read it here right now.

These last three images come courtesy of Movie Screenshots

A Gumby Summer

A Gumby Summer
United States

F.H.E., 1987, VHS

Volume 8

Run Time - 1 hour

I bet you thought I had forgotten about my mission to track down all the Gumby VHS tapes I could find. Not so lucky. Here I give you another in F.H.E.'s multi-volume series. This tape has a volume number on the label, but higher catalog numbers do not.

• Gumby League
• Motor Mania
• The Blue Goo
• A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts
• The Missile-Bird
• Pokey Express
• Rain Spirits
• Mason Hornet
• Shady Lemonade
• Making Squares

Rental Store - Rain City Video

Virtual Assassin

Yay, It's a screener!

Virtual Assassin

AKA – Cyberjack

United States – 1995

Director – Robert Lee

Turner Home Entertainment, 1995, VHS

Run Time - 1 hour, 39 minutes

Michael Dudikoff. Oh how the never that mighty have fallen into a pit of groaning serpents. Once the compressed essence of pure American everything-awesomeness in heart-throbbing, tendon strung Sgt. Armstrong; the unadulterated leathernecky can-do integrity in Lt. Knight, and now this desperate low of bitter and recalcitrant computer lab janitor? Were he to look forward a decade from those halcyon days of yore to the far distant future, what would Dudikiff think? What would he do differently?

The truth is, Michael Dudikoff is sorely misinterpreted, his detractors leaping to conclusions without really analyzing the facts. Is there really that much difference in the quality of American Ninja and Virtual Assassin? Let us see. The former has to its credit the undeniable presence of the late Steve James rugged and chiseled jawline and retina assaulting smile, surely not a thing to be taken lightly. It also has the contextually powerful and perennially effective catchword “ninja” in the title. Virtual Assassin, while not the recipient of that lofty and prestigious honor of franchisedom which blessed its predecessor, can still boast of a number of dubiously impressive merits of its own. First of course is the terminally sinister visage of the also late Brion James, his unmistakable dental arcade and remarkably-versatile-despite-its-severity widow’s peak (here miraculously styled into an attractive Euro-fro) which never fail to elicit a shudder of wary recognition. Like American Ninja it also sports an equally impressive and  contemporary moniker featuring the buzzword “virtual” And in case that didn’t impress you enough (perhaps you recently saw Lawnmower Man and are suspicious of the theme) it proffers a second, equally compelling alternate title prominently featuring the hip word “cyber”.

So I ask, is it really fair to heirarchically compare one period in Michael Dudikoff’s career to any other period? I would argue that he warrants a great deal of respect for having maintained a consistent quality, something many actors seem all to frequently to foul up. Mr. Dudikoff has not fallen, for never did he rise too high. His only misfortune has been merely to attract detractors, those slithering anklebiters whose ninja fogged optimism obscured their long-haul vision. No I say, Dudikoff never fell, for if his Nick James (whoa, creepy) character in Virtual Assassin tells us anything about his career, he has had the presence of mind to place himself always near the crest of popular trends, and in the company of equally persistent fellows. I urge you then to see this film as yet another manifestation of this cinematic Clydesdale, his proverbial cabled muscles steaming with effort as he consistently and tirelessly ploughs the infinite and fickle furrow of the popular consciousness.

Mutant Hunt Promo Art

Thanks to an extra wide reproduction of the poster artwork for Mutant Hunt in the new book Destroy All Movies, I finally noticed the signature of C. W. Taylor on this amazing piece of video history. It also led me to Tim Kinkaid's other Charles Band produced sci-fi gem Robot Holocaust which, sure enough, features poster art by Taylor. Jeeze, how did I miss this?
Follow the link HERE to my old post about the artist, and HERE to my post about Mutant Hunt, a film that has haunted me for over a decade.

Underworld

Underworld

United States - 1935

Director - Oscar Micheaux

Starring - Bee Freeman, Sol Johnson and Oscar Polk

Director Micheaux is something of a US film hero, being the first Black man to direct a feature film. It does not however stop there, in his films he actively and deliberately challenged Black stereotypes that were popular in film and elsewhere at the time. As a child of the VHS era, movies of this early age are sometimes difficult to stick through. As a true historian of film however, Micheaux's films are fascinating studies in social context.

In 2010 the United States Postal Service issued an Oscar Micheaux stamp as part of the Black Heritage Series. If you missed it (I did), you can see the home page while it lasts. As a widely respected film maker, there is quite a Micheaux following out there, if you find yourself inclined, you can start here.
Many of Micheaux's films are available on DVD from a popular online movie service, many others can be had for a song online.

In his fantastic study of Black cinema, Toms, Coons, Mulattoes, Mammies & Bucks, film historian Donald Bogle describes Micheaux (among other iconic Black film personalities) with his own chapter. Micheaux was something of a renaissance man, writing, publishing and distributing his own books, one of which, The Homesteader became his first film, and the first feature film directed by a Black American.

Godzilla vs. Monster Zero

Godzilla vs. Monster Zero

Original Title - Great Monster War (怪獣大戦争, Kaijū Daisensō?)

Japan - 1966

Director - Ishiro Honda

Paramount Home Video, 1983, VHS

Run Time - 1 hour, 33 minutes

Until this last week, I probably hadn't seen a Godzilla movie in 10 or 12 years. I was at my favorite bar and the bartender Danny was playing old VHS tapes on the TV, one of which was this kaiju classic. It may be old news to a number of you, but even without the dialogue I was totally thrilled with this movie and had a hard time focusing on the conversation I was supposed to be having. Consider me a born again Godzilla fan.

These two beautiful posters come from Space Monster.

This poster for the double bill comes courtesy of Emovieposter.

 These two come courtesy of Wrong Side of the Art. I would be willing to eat a small horse for a copy of that long format one. Damn that's awesome.

German poster courtesy of Tomb It May Concern