Saturn 3

Saturn 3

United Kingdom – 1980

Director – Stanley Donen

CBS/FOX Home Video, 1987, VHS

Run Time – 1 hour 28 minutes 

Until my friend laid this old tape in my hands I had never heard of Saturn 3. That isn’t saying much I suppose, but he hadn’t either, and we are both big fans of robot oriented space-fiction so it was a pleasant surprise. Before watching the film I did a little research and discovered some interesting stuff. Despite not initially wanting to write extensively about what is a fairly mainstream film, after watching I was inspired to say something about it its relationship to space-fi in general.

When it was released, Saturn 3 appears to have received generally negative reviews, and remarkably, continues to do so . Not surprisingly these predominantly appear to stem from unfavorable comparison to Star Wars, which was released just a few years before. Although not mentioned in anything I read, I think it also owes a large debt to Kubrick’s 2001 in both overall plot, and Elmer Bernstein's score. But even if it’s not exceedingly original, Saturn 3 does a damned good job of wearing it’s pedigree on its sleeve.

The important thing to remember about Star Wars, especially because it has compounded its cultural significance in the last decade, is that it wasn’t very creative. As I’ve said before, it’s an entertaining movie, but the plot as we know is a generic and predictable white hero myth. Saturn 3 is not as epic or inspiring than its predecessor, but neither is it any less creative. What was so remarkable about Star Wars (and this is what I think most people find so endearing about it) was the visual design. Saturn 3 interestingly enough, was written and (initially) directed by John Barry, the same man responsible for the look of Star Wars.

The story itself centers around Adam (Kirk Douglas) and Alex (Farah Fawcet) on one of Saturn’s moons where they operate a hydroponic farm but mostly shag. When another astronaut, Benson (Harvey Keitel) arrives at their secluded love nest, they soon discover that he and his robot are not on a mission of peace. Compelling? Perhaps not, but visually everything in this movie, from the spacesuits to the ships clicks. The thing that really sells it for me is the robot, “Hector”, an eight foot tall machine powered by a giant tube of vat-grown human-fetus brains. The concept is pretty twisted if you think about it, and the way in which Hector takes on the sociopathic personality of its programmer Benson is particularly well conceived.

I’ve always cushioned my disappointment with the termination of sci-fi cinema’s great sagas with a simple philosophy; If the human geography of space has been expanded as much as my favorite films claim, then it is quite possible that each space-fiction film (of a nominally similar quality) merely represents another local facet in the same broad story. In that sense, there is no “end” to what I call the “Space-Fi Narrative Continuum”*. Garnished with moments of genuine intelligence and clothed in awesome visuals, Saturn 3 definitely makes the cut.

*In the future I'll refer to qualifying films under this label. Previously reviewed films which qualify have been back referenced.

 This Japanese poster is from Movie Outlaw

Godzilla vs. Megalon

Godzilla vs. Megalon

Japan - 1976

Director - Jun Fukuda

Goodtimes Home Video, 1985, VHS

Run Time - 1 hour, 30 minutes

 All three of these are from Wrong Side of the Art

This is only the first page of an United Statesian promotional comic. You can find the rest over at Magic Carpet Burn where they have also been kind enough to share the Godzilla vs. Megalon soundtrack.

Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity

 

Slave Girls From Beyond Infinity

United States - 1987

Director - Ken Dixon

Amazing Fantasy Entertainment, 1987, VHS

Run  Time -  1 hour, 20 minutes

Deadly Friend

Deadly Friend

United States – 1986

Director – Wes Craven

Warner Home Video, 1987, VHS

Run Time – 1 hour, 31 minutes

Deadly Friend is a fun movie, one of those time wasters that I don’t regret having seen even though I can’t really think of a reason to watch it again. It came just after that period in the 80’s when exploitation/horror was huge, and successful movies that had small budget ideas were given the full treatment. It seems like the innovators in cinema at the time, the underground, indie directors and writers had suddenly been “discovered” by Hollywood and didn’t know what to do with all the money that suddenly fell in their lap.

Deadly Friend is a reminder that a lot of the hype was hyperbolic and most indie film artists are just like the rest of us; partly mediocre with a chance of brilliance. Wes Craven is a case in point, he has never been a great director. But he has occasionally made some damn good films, but all the stuff in between is pretty lame. His luck is in his timing. Last House On The Left and Nightmare on Elm Street were really good, but part of their appeal was in their moment. Since then the guy has pretty much coasted (as most of 'em do) on a couple of opportune hits.

Deadly Friend is fundamentally overwrought and nonsensical, pushed just over the edge into hyperbole. Everything looks a little artificial, from the soundstage sets to the character tropes to the very plot which revels in its abandonment of logic. It comes across like an episode of Small Wonder gone bad, (or good depending whether you like exploding heads or not, and I personally do.)

The robot/zombie Sam performs the saving grace of Deadly Friend in a clip uploaded by AdolAss.

But basically it’s a cheap riff on Frankenstein with the ohh-ahh effect of Radio-Shack electronics thrown into a robot that seems to be mocking people with Down’s Syndrome. And then there’s the hot neighbor girl Samantha (Kristie Swanson) who the protagonist must use his inexplicable skill to resurrect into a robot/zombie reminiscent of the previous year's Re-Animator. Sounds like a thousand movies I’ve seen before, all from the same period in history. But damned if I can’t help but love ‘em for all their crude features, and I guess, well, I might have to watch Deadly Friend again.

UK video sleeve from some French porn blog.

This UK video sleeve from Itsonlyamovie.co.uk.

Commander Kellie and The Superkids: The Intruder

Commander Kellie & The Superkids: The Intruder
United States - 1992
Director – Stephen Yake
Heirborne Video, 1992, VHS
Run time - 30 minutes

Commander Kellie and the Superkids is a bit like an episode of the Twilight Zone not just because of the crude special effects that illustrate obviously impractical science-fiction, but also because it warps and simplifies reality, in this case into an impressively stark good and evil world painted with ham handed strokes by optimistic Christian ideologues.

Case in point: The Superkids are creeping through some guys house from one closet to another while he sleeps. In the second closet, on the other side of the room, the kids come across a shimmering portal called a “Super Translator” that they all happily march into, the last of them pushing a big floor polisher. So as far as I know at this point, they’re just stealing big-ticket janitorial appliances. The sleeping guy awakens and unperturbed by the closet vortex, follows them in. Right behind him is a guy in a black “NME” uniform who is apparently tracking the kids on behalf of his sinister leader (who looks like his grampa, a friendly toy’s-for-tots biker who plays Santa Claus at the mall during Christmas)
Just to clarify, NME is the top “secret” acronym which stands for “Notoriously Malicious Entertainment” an evil media corporation whose malice is so “notorious” that they keep it “secret” by publicly airing violent TV shows featuring their foot soldiers holding guns to children’s heads while other children wail on Casio keyboards.

The superkids themselves are a mix of middle American white children, with the exception of one minority Alex, unless you consider robots a marginalized population, and after watching this you might. Since it would be to obviously racist to make the black kid the rapper, the producers went for a Steve Urkel clone instead, and unwittingly reinforced the juvenile reactionary racism of cultural "slumming" by making Rapper a confused white-boy.

When they arrive back at what I guess is their base, the kids report to, yes, Commander Kellie, a smokin’ hot southern belle who promptly leads them in song and dance. If ever there was a reason to simplistically rail against evil, the Superkid Acedemy theme is it. In the background poor Techno, cursed at birth with only three small wheels and a boxy unarticulated body, is left to his own devices and spins forlornly just slightly onscreen. No ramp has been installed on the stairs down to the dancefloor, and so only three small steps (so small they are, but like cliffs of injustice!) prevent Techno from rotating along with the kids (who also, cruel fate of organics, get to enjoy the warm supple embrace of Commander Kellie herself.)

The sleeping guy, ostensibly the “Intruder” of the title, pops up after the dance and turns out to be Carman who relates his story of woe when (based on the level of calamity related, I assumed that it must have been) Satan himself took a personal interest in destroying his life. Shocked out of their catatonic awe from meeting such a mercurial celeb and hearing the tale of his fate, the kids break out an inspiring song to lift Carman’s (downtrodden by the devil) spirits. Some clue as to why the antichrist may have made a point of persecuting him is revealed as Carman leans back in his seat, eyes narrowed and nods hungrily at the gyrating children. Oh yummy.


After their song, Carman performs one of his own derivative tunes about faith etc. while guitar-excluding close up shots of him rocking out give the appearance of furious, skin-tearing masturbation while the kids (along with the sudden unexplained bolstering of their number, though still almost exclusively white) clap along. Techno meanwhile is positioned behind all the skin bags, almost out of sight where, cursed with cold hinged metal claws, he can only sadly clank them together in a repetitive pinching motion, depressingly out of time with Carman’s, uh… performance.

After such an inspiring climax, the surplus children are zapped back into ozone, and all that remains is for someone to be saved. The Notoriously Malicious dope who followed Carman through the Super Translator pops up with a blaster while Commander Kellie is alone in the engine room. Shielding herself from the blast of his weapon with a glimmering blue “faith shield” she uses “The Manual” and a bitter tough-love sermon to convince NME tool to accept the Lord Jesus Christ as his savior.

As the kids and Kellie bid farewell to a visibly sweaty and spent Carman, Techno stands motionless amid the chirping preteen crowd considering why such a benevolent god would forsake a lonely robot, and if it’s physically possible to tie a noose with barely articulated iron pincers.


Bonus Program! (AKA shameless advertisement):
Following the 30 minute feature is an extended plug for Carman’s christian evangelism video series Time 2 Club Video in which various faith experts make factual arguments for god, christian musicians rock out and general video prosthelytization occurs. Decked out in a retina assaulting uranium sweater, Carman encourages us to subscribe to his monthly video club which will be “not just fun, nah”, it will be “a straight up blast”. Based on what I’ve just seen him do in front of those kids, I now know exactly what he means by that.

Visit Kellie’s parents ministry online, and apparently all throughout the world as their traveling Christ Circus seems to be perpetually preaching unsophisticated and polarized morality towards the brown people they deign to include in their video propaganda.

R.I.P.
Techno
1990 - 1992

Starcrash

Starcrash
1978 – Italy

Director – Luigi Cozzi (as Lewis Coates)

VCI Entertainment, 2007, DVD

Starcrash is an homage, a science-fiction movie nerd film. If I had been able to make a seriously budgeted sci-fi film at 15, I would have done the exact same thing. Luigi Cozzi is not a man of subtlety. He knows what he likes, and he seeks to recreate it. He openly admits to stealing the Aliens concept to make 1980’s Contamination. What better way to extend the ecstasy of the original experience than to do your best to mimic it. Cozzi’s films are, for lack of a better term, cinematic masturbation.

Starcrash may very well be the pinnacle of that form, an amalgam of great moments from the best sci-fi nerd films very poorly redone . Lets begin with an egregious Star Wars rip-off opening. Within the first scene, we meet Marjoe Gortner’s character (the reason I picked this up) and soon, a plethora of other B-list actors and brutally dollar store special effects. First is his sidekick, Stella Star (Caroline Munroe). The two are on the run from the space cops and enter hyperspace to escape, but when they stop to check out an abandoned ship, they are busted and sentenced to hard labor by a goofy brain creature (which screams “directly stolen from another movie”, but I can’t place it). While doing penance in a balloon mine, Stella uses a guards laser gun to escape the barbarian movie set and “board” a model ship where badguys inform her of her clandestine mission with Marjoe…

Somehow, dirty drunk Italians, Stella and her dumb-redneck sidekick Robot-L end up landing a ship on a beach and blundering into a Jason and the Argonauts ripoff with a giant metal-boobed robot titan. Yes, this fucking open theft is such garbage!


Yes, there’s some snowy planet Empire Strikes ripoff, but wait! That movie hasn’t been made yet! Another search of another shipwreck results in Stella and the damned huckster-robot being captured by cave-dwelling dwarves. (insert 2001 rip) Suddenly they are almost rescued by a hideous monster guy in tights who shoots lasers from his makeup caked eyes, David Hasselhoff! What? Hoff screws up and Marjoe must perform the final heroics with his awesome laser-sword thing, damn what a genius concept.

Luckily our heroes have tripped and fallen into the right planet, the Evil Counts HQ basey thing, where he keeps his stop-motion robot-golems. Yes! Finally, a giant incredibly prolonged laser battle, with a few mercifully brief breaks, takes place between the good guys, who make some benevolent plans, and the Count, who does some evil-planning betwixt spaceship launchings. The Count, Zarth Arn, played to the absolute hilt by Joe fucking Spinell cackles a lot, and his evil space base, which is shaped like a giant evil claw, literally curls into a fist and shoots lasers at stuff, and goes down in sparkly space-flames as Zarth Arn and I both chortled our way into glorious idiotic hell.

Watch the Starcrash trailer at CultTrailers.
See some rad promotional art at Satan's Hope Chest.


The John Solie poster that became the video cassette cover.


The publicity shot that became the DVD cover of a different title.

Thai or Indonesian poster I got from somewhere.

Exterminator City

Exterminator City
United States - 2005
Director – Clive Cohen
York Home Video, 2005, DVD

A woman is taking a shower when a skull faced robot barges into the room and murders her. Damn, these robots are awesome. Credits, oh crap, Julie Strain is in it, and I have a hard time dealing with this whole clique of on-the-cheap meat-for-hire scream queens. And I wasn’t expecting boobs in this movie.

Oh, right, robot puppets! Lots of creepily lit model high-rise buildings make a rain soaked noiresque atmosphere of tilted walls and tinny canned sound. Aero-cars zip through the semi-darkness suspended from strings.

Skull face robot, a former pest exterminator-bot catches another well-endowed woman in the bathroom with her top off and chops her up. He halucinaties an evil bloodthirsty Christian God for a little while, sweats, fingers his killing blade, and then goes to robo-confession.

So, this is basically a low budget blasphemous, stripy, puppet, robot, noir gorror film?

A detective robot, programmed to be hard boiled, and unleash a string of crusty hardwired catchphrases teams up with the killers shrink, another chromed cookie-cutter charicature to solve the rapidly mounting top-heavy death-toll.




As the Exterminator carves up another preening prosthetic princess, the detective is subjected to the lo-bugit data-onslaught of robo- serial-killer psychology and his own sweaty unrelenting vice.

An merciless onslaught of bitter, hard-boiled and unscrupulously corrupt robots populate this emotionless evisceration of genre standbys. Little attention is given to building a living, breathing world for these characters to fill. Rather, they mutter cynical, cliché sarcasm, gazing out through dimly glowing LED eyes and let their dark digital void fill the world.

Whether by conscious intent or haphazard compromise, easily the best use of puppets since Henson or the Feebles. A blundering, full-force low-budget exploration of the boundaries of creative insanity exploitation filmmaking.

She Wolves of the Wasteland

She Wolves of the Wasteland
a.ka. Phoenix the Warrior
United States - 1988
Director- Robert Hayes
Echo Bridge Home Entertainment, 2007, DVD

When something like Phoenix the Warrior makes it’s way onto DVD with retooled packaging and a new name to boot, it’s something of a mixed blessing. You lose the cool cover artwork, but gain access to an almost intolerable movie.

Women hunted down in (unmodified) dune buggies by angry group of other women who call themselves “Wolves”.
Our post apocalyptical ladies labor under wire-headed queen mother cyber-crone who prophesies various shit and directs the breeding program from whence a pregnant woman and her warrior friend (Phoenix) flee.

Bring your own dirty and stylishly ripped bikini – skirts to this lavishly un-acted corrugated metal and M-16 fest. All girls, all the time.

Note: Awesome “Over & Under”.
Only the best “extreme” names are used for characters, such as “Riptide”, and “Whiplash”. “Lezpocalypse” fight between Wolves and Phoenix set to sweet synth tension music and defused with waterfall shower scene and sparkle music.
Blargh, baby born among friendly lesbian tribe who debate, then promptly fight rival tribe, the Wolves.
Dusty-closet caliber of homemade, the camera never moves like an early Cable/Sci Fi Channel movie titty flick with ranting monotonous dialogue that nearly bores me to tears.

Great deal of levity featuring TV watching skeletons ensues. Do I sense self fulfilling metaphor!?
I get it, they’re robo Lepers!
I’m reaching, adding a desperately positive outlook to a resoundingly famished and flayed carcass, resume boreification.



Original painted VHS cover art which was modified for the updated photoshopped DVD cover above: Turkish VHS cover art: I can't read the entire tagline on this (European?) VHS cover, but it sounds like it's good: