13 May 2009

Logan's War: Bound By Honor

This amazingly shitty DVD triple feature contains Logan's War and both President's Man films.

Logan’s War: Bound By Honor

United States - 1998
Director - Michael Preece
Madacy Records, DVD, 2004

And thus begin the Norris TV years, with a bang and a wailing shriek of flag-masticating-papal-patriotic pressure release. In the pickling years of Chuck Norris's life, he begins to develop the deep earthy flavors and sharp bite of an aged right wing cheese. In the two years since Forest Warrior, Chuck and Aaron's "managed wilderness" masterpiece of pasteurized processed cheese-food kiddie fare, Aaron has hung up his director's blindfold for a writer's hatchet, and Chuck has recovered from his struggle with gall stones or skin cancer or whatever; instead of looking like a fat Twinkie fed bear, he looks like a lean and mean mummy, his waxy skin pulled tight across his stubbly skull bone.

As Jake Fallon, Norris is the ex-Army Ranger uncle of Logan, a 10-year-old whose District Attorney family is snuffed out by an organized crime boss. Logan swears murderous vengeance, which Jake casually endorses as a rite of passage. Logan is also a clairvoyant (think Sixth Sense rip-off), and as soon as this skill is crudely revealed, Chuck decides to train him in Karate, and, after an "aging transition effect", continues to train the adult Logan in Army Ranger skills.

Afterwards they meditate with a bald eagle flying in an overlay shot, making brutal vengeance not only zen, but patriotic too. I feel like somebody just took a big red, white and blue crap in my mouth.

Logan goes on to become that Army Ranger, distinguishing himself as an invincible and dutifully destructive pawn of the military industrial complex. After winning sundry awards for exceptional cockiness, Logan leaves the Army and embarks on a private quest to fulfill his earlier declaration of premeditated vindictive manslaughter, again with the complacent macho cowboy consent of Jake and his waxen beyond-the-grave gaze. Yawn.

This movie is boring, there is absolutely nothing new here, Aaron (and co-writer Chuck) go so Hitman-derivative they even have Logan call himself "The Hitman" as he goes ridiculously "undercover" into the mafia. As a face-bashing goon, he gets "made" and meets the Don Bambino within 10 minutes. Undercover, schmundercover, think it aint bad enough? Chuck Norris re-appears from a Cribbage game at the retirement home at the exact moment Logan needs some karate-backup. (see also Sidekicks)

Blech, who wins is who needs to wins, and I drank till I got the spins.

Alternate DVD covers, as if we needed 'em.

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